Nothing to Do With Peanut Butter and Jelly
by Clow Angel
Summary: It's a series of one-shots featuring the pairing GinOki or as I like to call them, the "Do S Combi", Super Sadist Pair. Some friendship, some shounen-ai. #13 - Sugarcoated
1. Nothing to Do With Peanut Butter & Jelly

**AN:** Alright, my first Gintama one-shot! I'm so proud of myself! I dunno, I was eating a peanut butter jelly sandwich when this idea came to me. Kinda funny since this one shot has nothing to do with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

**Warning(s):** Hinted Yaoi. Hijikata torture (as per normal when Sougo's involved), Gin-san's loss of his pudding. Has nothing to do with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

**Pairing(s): **Gintoki x Sougo, sort of.

Gintoki had thought his morning would be a more peaceful morning (it's actually afternoon now). He had placed a shopping list on his desk the previous night (before he went out to the bar) for Kagura and Shinpachi to take care of in the morning so they would be out of the house. Because the two weren't there, he had a few more hours of sleep. Nice! Why? He had a killer hangover and couldn't remember much of what happened the previous night anyway. He had literally crawled out of his unusually warm bed before sprawling out on his couch with last week's issue of Jump. But when he looked up, blinked and blinked again, and found the Shinsengumi captain sitting on the other couch, all thoughts of having a peaceful 'morning' disappeared. He should have known better by now. Really, he should have.

"Oi, Okita-kun... What do you think you're doing, huh?!" He tossed the issue of Jump onto the coffee table.

"What am I doing?" The captain blinked and stared down at the plastic container he held. "Eating pudding."

"Eating my pudding!" Gintoki slammed his palm onto the coffee table separating the two. "At my house! Actually, what are you doing here Okita-kun?"

"Killing time."

Gintoki's brow twitched. "Killing time eating my pudding?! Oi!"

"Calm down danna, or you'll burst a blood vessel," Sougo said, his tone as bored as ever, focused on eating his stolen dessert.

"You'll be bursting soon if you keep eating my desserts." When did the sadist even get here? How did it come to the two sitting at the couches arguing over his own pudding? And where were the two brats? Shouldn't they have finished with the shopping list already? To be more specific, where was Kagura? If the China girl was here, Okita-kun would be too busy fucking with her mind to be eating his pudding. And why was he killing time at the Yorozuya?

"Nah, Hijikata-san's gonna be the one bursting soon." He took another bite and paused, looking up in contemplation before adding, "Or now."

Gintoki finally gave up on having his pudding returned, crossed his arms and sat back. "Ah?" he asked irritatedly. The captain probably did something cruel to the vice commander again. He smirked at the thought. What was it this time?

"Want to know danna?"

"No, I said 'Ah?' for no reason at all. Of course I wanna know, dumb ass!"

"Heh." Sougo finally finished the pudding and tossed the empty pudding container into the trash can behind him with pinpoint accuracy.

**At the Shinsengumi headquarters kitchen...**

"Damn you Sougo! You did this! I know it! When you get back--ARGH!" The oni vice commander dropped to his knees gripping his middle with a white-knuckled grip, sweating profusely, his face taking on an unhealthy pale blue tinge. The ruined remains of a mayonnaise covered dish on the linoleum floor were by him. A closer look revealed it to be yakisoba.

"Hahahaha!" Gintoki was rolling on his couch slamming his fist against the cushioned surface of the seat. "Serves that bastard right!"

"Right right? He'll never look at mayonnaise the same again!" Sougo was laughing just as loudly. He had poisoned the mayonnaise yesterday night with his own homemade brew of poison. It wasn't lethal...probably.

The door to the Yorozuya living room slid open.

"Ne Kagura-chan, am I seeing things? Why are Gin-san and Okita-san..." He trailed off. Sadaharu panted.

The two men in the room didn't even pay them any attention, too busy finding amusement in Hijikata's despair.

"You are a genius Okita-kun."

"Why thank you danna. Can I get another pudding as a reward for a prank well done?"

Gintoki's grin remained, but his brow twitched again. "Okita-kun you didn't even ask when you took the first one."

"Did too."

"Oh? When was that? Unless Gin-san's losing his memory in his old age, Gin-san doesn't remember you asking for permission for anything."

"When you were sleeping. You mumbled yes when I asked if I could eat one." It was amazing how the teen could keep a straight face saying the things he were.

"Oi!" Gintoki shot to his feet. "You were here for that long?! Why were you in my room when I was asleep?! And even if I was asleep I would never say yes to anyone asking if they could eat my pudding!"

"..." The teen looked away, still straight-faced.

"..." Gintoki blinked. Didn't the kid usually always have an answer for everything? Lie or not?

"..." Shinpachi blinked before his jaw dropped and his eyes bulged. Was Okita-san being embarrassed? No way. Could it be? No way right? But it could be right? Oh my god, no way!

"..." Kagura stared, not comprehending.

Gintoki's grin wavered. "Please say something Okita-kun. Awkwardness in the air here."

The young captain shrugged. "Felt like it."

"...You are forbidden from ever stepping foot in here again, you creepy stalker sadist kid," Gintoki declared, pointing his finger at him.

Sougo raised a brow, staring right back at the older man. "You're kicking out your only other accomplice in Hijikata-san torture?"

"Hm, you have a point there." Gintoki sat down again, apparently really considering the fact.

'He's an idiot,' Shinpachi thought.

"I heard that Shinpachi," Gintoki replied casually.

The four-eyed idol otaku nearly choked on his own spit. "Esper?!"

Gintoki expelled a lungful of air in exasperation. "You said that out loud." He turned to the Shinsengumi captain. "Right?"

Sougo blinked. "He did? I didn't hear anything."

Red eyes remained on him.

Sougo continued. "Oh, wait. I think I did hear him, danna."

Red eyes wandered over to the wall behind his desk. "Oi, when do you start work?"

Sougo shrugged. "Five hours ago." He eyed the three standing in the doorway. Why were they still standing there?

"You start work too early. That's eight in the morning!" Gintoki shook his head. "You should sleep in more." Of course, he knew perfectly well how Okita-kun sleeps on his job anyway.

Finally, Shinpachi moved. He strolled into the room and began putting away groceries. "That's normal, Gin-san. You're just lazy. And you shouldn't say that. Okita-san has an important job to do."

And apparently Shinpachi did not know the young captain slept on his job.

"Oi, how dare you speak to your boss that way?" he drawled lazily.

Shinpachi sighed and ignored the samurai.

Kagura had picked up the discarded issue of Jump and sat down next to Gin-san and began reading, doing her best to ignore the sadist.

"That's my Jump," Gin-san said but was ignored. He sighed. "No one listens to me." But he patted her on the head anyway.

"That's not true danna."

"Oh? Who listens to me? Not even the dog listens to me."

Okita looked over at the giant fluffy white dog sprawled on the floor who was busy reading a magazine. He never did understand that dog. "I listen to you."

Gintoki paused. He rubbed the back of his head. "So you do. Well, thanks for listening then. But you ate my pudding."

"Oh come on danna. It was one pudding."

"It was my pudding."

Sougo sighed. "I'll get you new pudding then danna."

"Get me a parfait and I'll call it even."

"Gin-san you eat enough sweets already. You shouldn't make Okita-san buy you desserts!" Shinpachi scolded. "Don't buy him any desserts, Okita-san."

The young captain and the silver-haired man completely ignored him. "Fine. I'll get you a parfait danna."

"I said not to get him anything!"

"Well, I should get back to headquarters." Sougo stood.

Gintoki waved him off with one hand, the other attempting to take the issue of Jump away from Kagura.

"See you later tonight then, danna." The young captain looked around searching for something before walking into Gintoki's room.

"Eh? Tonight?" His hands paused. Gintoki looked up, eyes narrowed in confusion. He looked even more confused when Sougo returned moments later with his katana strapped to his waist. Why was the young captain's katana in his room?

"Same place right?"

"Huh?" What same place? Was he missing something?

Kagura looked up from her reading. And Shinpachi had dropped what he was doing.

"You know, the bar."

"Bar? How do you know which bar I go to?"

Sougo's facial expression did not change as he continued. "I was there last night danna."

"You were?" Somehow, he had a feeling, and not a good one. "How come I don't remember?"

"You were drunk, danna."

He calmed down. "Ah, that's why. That makes sense." He nodded to himself.

"Well, last night was fun danna. Let's do it again tonight." He placed careful emphasis on the last sentence.

"What?" Gintoki looked up, shocked.

Shinpachi had gone deathly pale. The groceries he was in the middle of putting away slipped from his hands and hit the floor with a clatter. The comics met the floor with a loud slap. Kagura and Shinpachi's jaws had dropped so low, they were in danger of touching the floor.

But Sougo was already sliding the door close behind him.

Gintoki panicked, bullets of sweat rolling down his face. "Wait! What? What was fun? What did we do? Did we do it? Huh? Gin-san doesn't remember!"

A muffled, "I'll make sure you remember tonight," filtered through the paper doors.

END.

**A/N:** Like I said, it has nothing to do with Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches. Hahaha! Call me strange, but I like this pairing. Although it wasn't much of a 'pairing' in this one shot. R&R, alright? Even if you hate it! I'll understand if you hate it though. It _is_ my first Gintama fic. -.- I'm bound to have done something wrong or messed up a character and made him or her really OOC. Did I? Tell me if I did, ne? Alright? Okay?


	2. Hijikata is Not a Watermelon

It is now a compilation of one-shots since I'm now suddenly on a Gintoki x Sougo high. Note that there are going to be Gintoki x Sougo friendship shots as well as shounen-ai ones. I...suck at yaoi so don't expect that to show up. Maybe I'll dump in some Gintoki x Hijikata if I get hit with such inspiration. These one-shots are **NOT **connected in any way unless I say so.

**Pairing(s):** Gintoki x Sougo friendship. Squint and you might see more than that.  
**Summary:** The Yorozuya and the Shinsengumi are spending the weekend relaxing at a beach resort. Why? Don't know. How? Don't know. Where'd the money come from? That's anyone's guess. What does matter is there's some Gintoki x Sougo interaction.  
**Warning(s):** Hijikata torture (again)

'Why did life suck so much?' was a common thought in one Sakata Gintoki's daily life. That thought often crossed his mind when he visited the nearest convenience store only to find they were out of strawberry milk. Or when Otose chased him down for last month's rent. Or when Sadaharu peed all over his precious Shounen Jump. Those were daily sort of events in the life he led, and so he was pretty much used to it.

What am I trying to get at? I don't even know, because the above question was faaaar from Gintoki's mind at the moment. In fact, he was probably thinking, 'It's good to be alive.' For once, it wasn't like any other day--sort of.

"Gin-san, the weather's great isn't it?" Shinpachi asked from next to him.

"Ah, it really is," Gintoki replied in that never-changing tone of his. It really was, he noticed. The afternoon sun was shining, fluffy cottony clouds dotted the pale blue sky, and there was a gentle salty breeze blowing through the open area.

"Kagura-chan looks like she's having fun," Shinpachi observed from his position. He watched as the teenage alien girl chased after her giant otherwordly dog across the wet sand, small waves lapping at her feet.

He tilted his head at an odd angle to watch the orange-haired girl. "Ah, she really is." It was that same tone again.

Shinpachi sat up with a single eyebrow raised. "You're not having fun, Gin-san?"

The silver-haired man sighed, crossing his arms behind his head as he stared up at the underside of the open parasol above him. "Of course I am. But why are we here with _them_?"

"Gin-san, they invited you," the teenager reminded him before getting up to go join Kagura at the water's edge when the China girl called for him.

"Right, right." Gintoki turned on his side, propping his head up with one arm while he shoved his pinky in his ear most inappropriately.

"You bastard," a voice growled from above him. "You should be grateful you were invited at all!"

"Ah?" Gintoki peered up past the large umbrella at the dark-haired man standing over him.

"Why you--! You should die!" He reached for the sword at his waist only to realize it wasn't there. He wasn't in uniform. What he did have on was a simple pair of swimming trunks. "Damn it!" he cursed. "Why are we here with this ungrateful asshole, Kondo-san?!"

Gintoki grinned widely, entirely amused at the livid officer.

Kondo crossed his arms and huffed in exasperation. "Because--"

"--I invited danna," Sougo cut his commander off. "I didn't invite the other two though." Or was that three if you included the giant dog?

The gorilla cleared his throat. "That's right Toushi. I said you could invite anyone you wanted. You just chose not to invite anyone."

"But--"

"Chill out Toushiro-kun. You're too stressed. It's a vacation day right?" Gintoki said. He closed his eyes and completely relaxed.

It didn't seem like he cared one bit that there was a livid Shinsengumi Vice Commander standing over him ready to strangle him.

The soft shuffling of the sand had Gintoki popping open one eye. The young captain of the Shinsengumi had laid a towel out next to him and was holding out a glass of fruit punch to him. "Here danna. It's getting hot. Have a drink."

"Ah, thanks." He sat up and gratefully took the drink. For a split second, he wondered if the drink had been tampered with but then shoved the suspicion out of his mind. The young captain never did ever do any damage to him (intentionally) anyway, so his suspicions were baseless. He took a long sip and stared out at the horizon where the deep blue ocean met the light blue sky. "Heh, you invited me here to piss off that idiot?"

"Now why would I do that, danna?" Sougo asked innocently while nursing his own glass of lemonade.

Gintoki gave him a look.

"I thought it'd be fun."

"To piss off the idiot right? Gotta admit, that's plenty fun alright." He smiled at the thought.

Sougo chuckled. "Well, that's half of it" he admitted.

"Oh?" He downed the rest of the fruit punch before carelessly tossing the glass to the side.

The younger man said no more, instead joining the older man in staring out at the horizon.

When it became obvious to him the crimson-eyed kid wasn't going to elaborate, Gintoki shrugged one shoulder before reaching over and lightly smacking the back of the kid's head. Sougo merely threw a mildly annoyed glare at Gintoki before resuming his staring straight ahead.

Kondo Isao observed the odd pair's interaction from afar, befuddled. Honestly, he wondered why Sougo would invite the Yorozuya ginpatsu. He mentally heaved a sigh when he realized the teenager didn't have any (other) friends to invite. Even the officers in the Shinsengumi kept a respectful distance from their sometimes explosively violent Captain with sadistic tendencies. He supposed that Sakata would be considered someone closer than most (he didn't run away screaming for one) -- which was decidedly odd because he didn't remember seeing the two interact much outside of their two groups' occasional clashing on the job. Of course, he was rarely out on patrol with the rest of the officers so he could have missed something. Either way, it was a good thing Sougo was finally letting someone in, but it was not such a good thing it was the Yorozuya Jump-obsessed, silver-haired bum he happened to be letting in. He shook his head and this time, sighed out loud.

"I don't get it either, Kondo-san," Toushiro muttered from beside him. "I don't get it either," he repeated.

"I don't think we will any time soon, Toushi." A moment's pause as the pair watched their younger subordinate smile at something the silver-haired samurai said.

"I still don't get it," Toushiro muttered, a single eyebrow rising.

"Hahaha! He actually smiled." Isao smiled widely. "I guess I owe Sakata one."

"Owe him what? For making that sadistic bastard smile?" The dark-haired man scoffed.

"Don't play stupid, Toushi," Isao reprimanded.

"Hmph."

"Oi, Yorozuya!" Kondo called.

Gintoki lifted his head slowly, as if it took all his effort to perform that one small action. "Ah?"

"Time to smash watermelons!" The commander held in his arms several large watermelons.

"Oh?" He blinked in that lazy manner of his. "Oiiii, Kagura! It's your turn!"

"What Gin-chan?" The china girl skipped over dripping wet.

"Go smash watermelons."

"Smash watermelons?" She tilted her head to the side curiously. "What's that? Why smash them? We should eat them!"

"Don't ask so many questions. Just do it." A pause. "On second thought, come here Kagura." He tugged her by the arm to bring her head down. He whispered quickly into her ear the instructions.

"Ooooh... I see, Gin-chan! That sounds fun!" The excited girl hurried over to Shinpachi and dragged him over to where the watermelons were set up.

"Danna, what'd you say to that monster girl?"

"Oi, don't call our Kagura a monster girl."

"...Sorry, no can do even if it's a request from you danna."

"Why do you hate each other so much?" he wondered aloud before answering the question. "You'll see."

He quirked a brow. "Danna?"

A distant shout of, "What the fuck!" pierced through the air.

Sougo blinked and looked over the silver-haired man's shoulder only to witness a most laughably chaotic scene. A blindfolded Kagura was waving a stick around chasing after a swearing Hijikata. "Watermelon!" she would call between laughter every now and then. "Come back here watermelon! Gin-chan told me to smash you good!"

"Oi! Get her away from me!" Hijikata rolled out of the way just in time as the stick smashed into the ground where he had just been standing moments ago, spraying sand everywhere, and creating a mini crater.

"Holy shit!" Hijikata squawked as he came, yet again, close to having his head bashed into the sand.

Gintoki was soon hunched over laughing so hard, he was in tears.

"Good thinking, danna" Sougo said, not far behind.

"Right?" Gintoki gasped, tears streaming down his face.

By the end of the day, Hijikata Toushiro was wishing he had never come in the first place. First, he was black and blue thanks to that crazy China girl's version of watermelon smashing. Second, the Yorozuya asshole along with Sougo had gotten rid of all the mayonnaise in the hotel. Third, he was sharing a room with the sadist. He was in the middle of checking over his bed the third time for any traps the younger man might have set up when the said sadist stepped out of the bathroom dripping water all over the carpet floor.

Toushiro twitched. "You can't even dry off properly?"

Sougo shrugged. "It's just water."

"You looked like you had fun today," the dark-haired man commented lightly, sitting down on the sinfully fluffy mattress. He really should get himself a mattress like these.

Sougo paused in the middle of drying his hair, slightly surprised. "Did I?" he finally asked in reply after a long pause.

"What's so great about that good for nothing asshole anyway?"

Sougo blinked. That was an unexpected question, and one he didn't have an answer for. "Isn't that obvious? He's my only other accomplice in messing with Hijikata-san," he said instead.

**END**

**AN:** A simple, pointless one-shot! After the last one, I wanted something more normal I guess you could say. Wrote it and then posted it right after, so there are likely errors.


	3. It Should be Raining, Damn it!

**AN:** I am not sure if this is the correct procedure, alright? Just to let you know. I also just realized I've been writing practically one fic a day. Don't expect this pattern to hold. My inspiration comes at odd times. Once again, posting right after I wrote it. Be warned! There are likely errors!

**Pairing(s):** General Friendship/Comradery, Gintoki x Sougo  
**Warning(s):** No character torture! Sad-fic

**It Should be Raining, Damn it!**

"Kagura-chan... Who should we invite? Do we invite everyone on this list?" Shinpachi asked with a sigh. A stack of envelopes and blank white cards sat on the desk.

"Don't care," she muttered dejectedly, hugging Sadaharu close to her.

A plain white envelope addressed to "the Shinsengumi" arrived in the Shinsengumi mailbox and was quickly delivered to Kondo Isao's room.

"Commander, your mail has arrived."

The hairy man looked up from his paperwork and accepted the small stack of letters from the nondescript officer. After flipping through the junk which he disposed of, he was tempted to dispose of the innocent white envelope too, but thought better of it and placed it carefully on the desk. After all, he had never received a letter from them before.

Finally done sorting through and reading the important stuff, he picked up the envelope on his desk, tore through the seal, read the contents with his eyes growing wider with each word absorbed, and the card slipped from his fingers.

It was this same position that Hijikata Toushiro and Okita Sougo found their commander in a half hour later.

"Kondo-san?" they both called in unison. When their call went unanswered, they shared a glance. It was an odd position to hold so they walked closer to investigate. Eventually, they found the white card laying at Kondo's feet.

The two read the card quickly. A cigarette soon hit the floor.

Sougo rubbed his eyes with his fist, blinked, re-read the card, and repeated the first two actions again. "Hijikata-san, am I seeing things?"

"..."

Sougo re-read the card for the third time before quietly leaving the room.

It was a deceptively bright morning when the entire cast gathered at a quaint temple in the middle of Edo. The air was still and the trees quiet. The birds were mysteriously absent from their perches. There wasn't even a cloud in the sky. For days like this, wasn't rain more appropriate? However, most of the people gathered on that day were probably too full of thoughts to have noticed.

It really was a strange group of people gathered, the priest noticed. 'This would normally result in a war,' he thought. Jouishishi members were sitting in the same room as Shinsengumi officers. The two main opposing characters Katsura Kotarou and Kondo Isao were even seated next to each other! And why were none of these people dressed appropriately? How colorful could the room get? As if all the multi-colored origami hanging around the room wasn't enough. And what was with all the Shounen Jump posters? These people were dressed in a rainbow of colors! Hell, the Shinsengumi commander was in a hawaiian shirt! Was this a costume party and he wasn't informed?

"Shinpachi-kun, why is it like this?" Katsura whispered fiercely at the brown head of hair sitting in front of him. He himself was dressed in his 'Captain Katsura' costume.

"Blame it on Gin-san!" Shinpachi whispered back just as fiercely. He had come in his fanclub get-up, bandanna and all.

"Gintoki? He isn't even here!"

"These were the seating plans he made."

"Are you serious, Shinpachi-kun?" Kondo asked, disbelief coloring his tone.

"Yes, I'm serious. Does it look like I would make a joke in this situation? I'm not Gin-san!"

"Gin-chan prepared everything ahead of time. Said it would be stupid to leave it to us," Kagura said lowly. She didn't bother dressing up, not having been in the mood.

The priest drowned out their conversation. He looked around the room again and squinted at the darker corners of the room. There were even shinobi. What kind of people did this man know?! His attention was drawn back to the people's conversation at the front row as he waited for probably hundeds more people to slowly trickle in.

"Why is Sougo up front with you guys?" Kondo asked. Meanwhile Toushi was in the second row with them.

Kagura and Shinpachi shared a look and their eyes slowly moved to the unusually somber and quiet figure of Okita Sougo in his Shinsengumi uniform who was seated next to Shinpachi.

"Gin-chan put the bastard there," Kagura grumbled angrily.

"You mean you didn't know, Kondo-san?"

"Know wh--

"Oi, shut up if you don't want a hole in your throats" Sougo said blankly.

The others froze. Although the captain's tone was his usual tone, his eyes promised pain if the conversation continued.

And so all conversation came to a sudden halt.

The priest watched as the room slowly filled with people, so many people that many were forced to stand. Finally, the doors closed and the speeches proceeded. Or...they were supposed to proceed with the speeches anyway.

"Gin-chan was..." Kagura couldn't even form a whole sentence before the tears started pouring. "I c-can't *hic* do it...Shinpachi!" She fell apart completely, her hands scrubbing at her face as tears continued to slip from behind closed lids.

Surprisingly, it wasn't Shinpachi who went up to comfort her, but it was Okita Sougo. He rose from his position on the ground, strolled forward and tugged the girl down back onto the cushions. "Shut up," he said, his voice cracking. "Shut up then." He held her close, his own eyes shut tightly.

"Gin-chan..." she whined pathetically. "Gin-chan, Gin-chan, Gin-chan..." Not caring anymore, she threw her arms around the other teen, hugging him fiercely to her, and burying her face in his tense shoulder.

"I said shut up" Sougo growled, and his voice cracked again. A single tear rolled down his cheek. The grip on him was crushing, but at the moment, it was a welcomed physical pain if only to drown out the emotional pains. Sadly, it didn't work that way as more tears came.

Kondo and Hijikata watched the scene mutedly. It wasn't as if there was anything they could do. 'After all,' they thought as they stared at the color photograph depicting the man they were all gathered here for, ' you can't bring back the dead.'

It was a long time before everyone went their separate ways attracting many a stare from passerbys with their colorful clothing.

"Okita-san," Shinpachi called. The red-eyed teen stopped in his tracks.

"Here," the glasses-wearing otaku held out a bokuto. 'Lake Touya' was etched onto the handle in dark ink.

Sougo slowly looked over his shoulder before turning and accepting it. "Thanks," he said hoarsely.

"Gin-san wanted you to have it."

A small watery smile found its way onto the sadist's lips. "Ah."

END

**AN:** I don't know why, but this came to me when I was in the middle of waking up. It just hit me, and so I wrote it. I know it's not like the other two, but there were still some funnies in it true to Gintama style.


	4. NtdWPB&J Part II

**AN:** Here is part two to the first in this series, "Nothing to do with Peanut Butter and Jelly". As I lay tossing and turning in bed last night (this morning actually) random images ran across my restless mind. I don't know if it'll turn out as awesome as it was in my mind because for some strange reason, words translate terribly onto paper! Especially when the characters in my mind were speaking Japanese! Well, let's get the show on the road.

This turned out longer than I expected. I hope you enjoy! Reviews are most definitely appreciated!

**Nothing to do with Peanut Butter and Jelly Part II  
**Written by **Clow Angel**

The sun had risen fully an hour ago, and the day was slowly getting hotter. Shinpachi futilely flapped his hand at his face in an attempt to lower his body's temperature. "Why is it so hot?" he muttered lifelessly. "It's only May," he continued to complain as he ascended the stairs to the Yorozuya, greeting Otose-san when he saw her.

He slid the door open and frowned. Well, this was unusual. Gin-san's boots were laid haphazardly by the entryway. As odd as it may seem, Gin-san was always neat when it concerned his personal belongings. The Yorozuya was rarely ever in a messy state, and if it was, it was usually during Spring Cleaning or on those rare days the silver-haired man mustered up the courage to throw away his precious issues of Jump from years ago. The idol otaku teenager didn't even know where the older man hid them all, there were so many.

He took off his shoes and laid them neatly on the side, going out of his way to right Gin-san's boots while he was at it. He slid the living room's door open and blinked. Now there were clothes strewn across the floor and couches. Gin-san's haori was lying by his bedroom door. Upon closer inspection… was that a _Shinsengumi_ jacket on the couch?!

"What's going on?" he whispered underneath his breath. He strode over and picked up the article of clothing, inspecting it. There were no rips or tears visible, so it didn't look like a fight had broken out while he was away. He held it at arm's length and studied it. Wasn't this Okita-san's jacket?

Carefully laying the jacket down on the coach, he strode over to the closet that was Kagura's room. Maybe the alien girl would know what happened. He hastily slid it open. "Kag—" She wasn't there. That was odd. Usually, the girl would sleep until someone came and woke her up.

Shinpachi slowly, oh so very slowly turned his head and eyed Gin-san's door. Who knows what the room looked like behind those doors? He also had the strangest feeling he didn't want to know what was behind those very doors. The thought of it was just mind-boggling. No no, it couldn't be. But it could be right? After all, just yesterday 'morning', that conversation took place. But he often didn't know whether to take the Shinsengumi Sadist's words seriously or not.

'What should I do?' he wondered as he stood in front of the paper doors that led to Gin-san's room. Knock first, he decided and so he lightly rapped on the frames. "Gin-san, it's time to wake up!"

A muffled groan answered him. Brown eyes grew obscenely wide. It wasn't a groan he recognized, but the voice was eerily familiar… It couldn't be.

"Gin-san?" he tried again. "It's time to wake up."

"Can you shut up?" the muffled voice growled. "We're trying to sleep."

Oh shit. It was Captain Okita! Shinpachi froze both physically and mentally. His hand flopped lifelessly to his side. He definitely did not want to open those doors now.

"I'll—uh, let you sleep more then," he stuttered and quickly dashed out of the Yorozuya, leaving a trail of billowing dust behind him.

It was a good thing the idol otaku did not open the door for he would have been scarred for life.

A few hours later, Shinpachi decided it was a good time to return to the Yorozuya. He had even found Kagura. And so, the two walked extra slowly back to the office. Shinpachi stopped her before she could open the door to the living room. He placed his ear against the rice paper and only when he heard voices did he deem it alright to slide them open.

'Or not,' he thought in despair. The two men inside were in the middle of locating their articles of clothing, or at least Gin-san was. Okita Sougo was lying on the couch dressed in a yukata a size too large which Shinpachi recognized as Gin-san's.

"Can't you help, you lazy shinsengumi officer?" Gintoki muttered, slightly annoyed. "Ah, Shinpachi and Kagura — you're back. Good. Can you make breakfast? Well, lunch." He wanted the two out of the room ASAP.

Shinpachi could only comply. He was at a loss for words anyway. He quickly tugged Kagura with him. She was clueless, and he didn't want her corrupted anymore than she already was. Sakata Gintoki wasn't exactly the ideal model for an impressionable teenage girl. Not to mention when Okita Sougo and Kagura were in the same room, good things never happened.

"I'd help danna," Sougo readjusted his position on the couch and promptly winced when his ass bumped the back of the couch, "but I'm really sore thanks to you."

Gintoki tripped as he bent down to pick up a pair of pants. "Oi! There are kids here!"

Sougo watched the man with wide innocent eyes (which were lurking with something darker if you took a closer look). "Danna?"

"What?" the older man growled as he finally gathered all the clothes in his arms.

"I'm also just a 'kid' too. Did you forget?"

…And all those clothes hit the floor.

"I am so going to jail," the older man realized, his large hand splayed across his face, dejected. He stumbled over to the unoccupied couch and plopped down.

"I won't tell anyone danna." The sadist smirked, very pleased with himself.

"How kind of you, Okita-kun." Gintoki's eye twitched.

"Danna, can you pass me the phone?"

"It's not a cordless, you idiot."

The young captain's eyes traveled to the lone desk in the room. He had completely forgotten that fact. He groaned as he sat up and winced again. "Ow…" He knew the silver-haired samurai was strong, but he didn't think he'd have such stamina. He certainly didn't get much sleep last night. Definitely worth it though. A smirk bloomed on his face. Yes, it was definitely worth it.

"Quit complaining." Here, Gintoki looked rather smug. "It's your damn fault anyway."

A pause as Sougo looked up in contemplation. "True." And he was definitely paying for it, not that he was regretting it even for a moment. He limped his way towards the desk. Halfway, Gintoki sighed and helped the younger man.

"Thanks danna." And really, he actually was grateful. He had no idea how sore he'd be after some mind-blowing sex. He had only ever read about it. He leaned against the older man as he picked up and dialed.

_"Shinsengumi Hea—" _the man on the other line cut himself off, probably having noticed the caller ID_, "Why are you calling, Yorozuya?"_ the annoyed voice of one Hijikata Toushiro filtered through the receiver.

"Ah Hijikata-san," the crimson-eyed teen greeted.

_"Sougo? What are you doing there and not here at work?" _the other man asked, sounding even more annoyed.

"Sorry Hijikata-san. I can't come to work today or tomorrow probably. I can barely move."

A deep laughter rang from the line. _"Did you get pounded by the bastard? Didn't Kondo-san tell you not to pick a fight with him?"_

Gintoki muffled a choking cough. Well, the teen certainly got pounded, but not in the way the dark-haired male might be thinking.

"Hijikata-san, you pick fights with danna all the time," he reminded, now leaning his full weight onto the other man.

Gintoki absently wrapped an arm around the teen's middle as he leaned his head against his shoulder listening in on the conversation.

_"Shut up! Let me talk to the bum!"_

"Here danna." Sougo passed the phone.

_"What'd you do to Sougo, you asshole? He can't move?! How much damage did you do?"_

"Damage?" He glanced down at the man in front of him. "Only to the bottom I guess?"

_"What?"_ He had to hand it to the Yorozuya bum. Not many people could kick Sougo's ass.

"Hmm, bruises all over too," he added as an afterthought as his eyes landed on a love bite on the teen's throat.

Now Hijikata's eyebrows were quickly making their way towards the man's hairline. _"How'd this happen? Ugh, I have to report this to Kondo-san too. Fuck."_

"Well let's see, we got a little drunk, and one thing led to another, and now your precious captain can barely walk." He was seriously having trouble holding back his laughter.

Sougo grabbed the phone from the older man before the older man could accidently spill the beans. "Anyway Hijikata-san, we're gonna have breakfast soon so see you in a few days."

_"Breakfast? It's two in the after—_

He hung up.

Gintoki watched in amusement as the teenager left his loose embrace in an attempt to get back to the couch. He shook his head and lifted the teen into his arms easily, gently sitting him down on the couch. "Okita-kun—

"Call me Sougo."

The older man ran a hand through his curly silver hair. "Fine, Sougo then. Why'd you do this? There's no merit for you is there?"

Sougo watched the other's expression carefully. "Are you bothered by me, danna?"

"Bothered? Not now, not yet, but who knows, you might be a bother in the future. Aren't all you Shinsengumi officers existing to be the bane of my existence?"

"Danna, seriously" he said, and for once the teen's expression was one of utmost seriousness. "Am I a bother to you?" he asked again.

Gintoki slumped forward. "I don't fucking know. All you kids do whatever the hell you want whether I like it or not anyway."

"Danna—

"Shut up. Stop being a girl. No, you're not a bother yet, but you know, you could do so much better," he said, wrapping an arm around the younger man. What did the younger man see in a lazy carefree guy like himself anyway?

"No I can't." It was a simple statement, and one that was completely uncharacteristic of one Okita Sougo.

"Now you're being a sap. Who are you, and what have you done with Shinsengumi's sadist of a captain Okita Sougo?"

Even Sougo had to crack a smile. "Only for you, danna."

Gintoki released the younger man when the door slid open.

"Gin-san, Okita-san, lunch is ready." Shinpachi laid the food out on the coffee table.

Kagura eyed the teen with distrust but kept any rude comments she had to herself. Gintoki had a sneaking suspicion she had been listening in on them the entire time. With how red Shinpachi's face was, the kid had most definitely eavesdropped on them too.

Lunch was one of the most awkward meals Gin had ever had the displeasure of having. Six minutes into the meal, his twitching had reached new levels. He slammed his chopsticks on top of his rice bowl. "If you have something to say, say it now or forever hold your piece you idiots!" He crossed his arms. "I can't enjoy lunch with this atmosphere!"

Sougo smirked in a most perverse manner. "I can help you enjoy lunch, danna."

Gintoki twitched and turned to the man next to him. "Aren't you still sore? What are you talking about? Do you not want to walk ever again, huh?"

"Excuse me, Gin-san. We're eating. Please stop talking about your sex life at the table," Shinpachi ground out through clenched teeth.

Kagura's face turned green. "Stop! Gin-chan's old —

"I am not old!" the silver-haired man interjected.

"— and shouldn't have a sex life! That's not normal! How did this happen?! Why that damn bastard huh?! He's joining our family? I don't want him as my mother!"

The other three exchanged looks. 'What?'

"Kagura-chan" Gintoki finally hesitantly said, hoping to call the girl back down to earth. "Sougo can't be your mother."

"And now you're calling him by name!" She was absolutely hysterical now. "I refuse to let this happen! Gin-chan is everyone's Gin-chan! That's why you were single for the series!"

Gintoki blinked, sitting back and stroking his chin. "Was that why I never got any women in the series? So it wasn't because I was unpopular then?"

"That's not the problem right now, danna. The monster girl has gone crazy."

A hand met the back of Sougo's head. "Our Kagura is not a monster girl. She's just an alien."

**At the Shinsengumi Headquarters...**

"Kondo-san? You in there?"

"Come in Toushi."

_Slide... Shut..._

"Have you found where Sougo is? I haven't seen him since yesterday afternoon." The commander of the Shinsengumi sat at his desk completing a small stack of paperwork.

"Yeah, he's at the Yorozuya. He called in earlier and said he can't come to work."

His hand stilled, halfway through completing his signature. "Eh? Why?" The Yorozuya? Can't come to work? What?

"He can barely walk."

"...?" Questioning look.

A shrug. "The bastard and Sougo got drunk and started something, I guess. Now he can barely walk. Ah, the bum also mentioned something about that sadist being bruised all over. He won't be coming to work for a few days."

Kondo blinked and promptly froze. Did he hear that right? No, he must've heard wrong. "Repeat that, Toushi. I must have heard wrong."

"Huh?" An exhale of smoke. "I said, Sougo and the bastard got drunk and started something. Now the idiot can't walk so he's skipping work for a few days. Ah, and the bruised thing too."

"..."

Blink. Another blink. "Kondo-san? Oi, Kondo-san! What's wrong?"

"Toushi, how come you're not surprised? It's Sougo and that Yorozuya bum!"

"Ha? Sougo has always liked the asshole. Even after a fight it seems."

Kondo Isao's eyes narrowed suspiciously, watching Hijikata's relaxed expression. "Toushi, Sougo can't _walk. That wasn't a fight._"

"Ah?"

"He's probably _limping_."

"Yeah, so?"

Was his vice commander always this dense? "Since when has Sougo ever been unable to walk after a fight even if he did lose? They did the naughty naughty!"

The cigarette hit the floor, Hijikata Toushiro's gaping jaw unable to hold the cancer stick to his lips. "Holy shit!"


	5. NtdWPB&J Omake

**AN: **Here are two scenes that I couldn't figure out how to place into Part II. But please enjoy this little omake anyway. =) I already have the next one-shot practically complete. I'm seriously on a Super Sadist Pair roll right now.

This could be counted as Part III if you want...but for me, it's more like an omake because I threw two scenes in there most randomly.

**Nothing to do With Peanut Butter & Jelly *OMAKE*  
**Written by **Clow Angel**

**Extras I:**

"We didn't really have sex the other day, did we?" Gintoki asked as they laid entwined together in his futon.

Sougo turned his head lazily, looking up at the samurai with half-lidded eyes. "Ah, you caught me danna. How'd you figure it out?"

"You weren't limping."

"Ah." A pause. "I completely forgot to act that out. Oops."

Gintoki snorted in disbelief. "Figures."

-------

**Extras II:**

"Sougo!" It was a battle cry.

The crimson-eyed teen jumped back just in time to avoid having his head skewered by a very sharp katana. "Good morning, Hijikata-san. Bad mood today?"

"You!" The dark-haired officer brandished his katana. "How dare you sleep with that asshole!"

Several curious heads poked out from random entryways. Rarely anything interesting happened, so a juicy piece of gossip was always welcomed -- especially if it concerned their commanding officers. And how lucky, it seemed like it was one of those rare chances to get some juicy ones of their very own Shinsengumi sadist captain! But dare they believe their own captain had slept with someone? He was their youngest member! It was unfair! Many of them didn't get laid in weeks, or worse, months! How is it possible that their younger captain got laid? They found it extremely hard to believe. So, they waited for the response.

Sougo blinked once, twice, then thrice. "Ara, you found out."

...He didn't deny it. So it's true their youngest member got laid...? What was the world coming to?

"What the hell were you thinking?!"

Many of the relatively obvious eavesdroppers couldn't help but wonder the same thing.

Sougo crossed his arms, brows drawn together, and head bowed, seemingly in thought. Moments later, he looked up. "That it would be some totally mind-blowing sex?"

"..." Hijikata gaped. He couldn't believe the words that were coming out of this kid's mouth! "You're too young to be having sex!"

The other officers who were listening in on this conversation nodded to themselves in complete agreement.

"You're just jealous I got some and you didn't."

"Who would want to get some from that lazy Yorozuya bastard?!" A sudden flush had spread over the vice commander's features. Whether it was out of embarrassment, anger, or _something else_ entirely was anyone's guess.

Their captain was fucking with the Yorozuya no Danna?! Many keeled over in a dead faint.

"Hey, Danna may look like a complete lazy good for nothing bum, but he has some amazing talent in bed. I'm still sore."

Hijikata immediately dropped his sword and dropped to his knees with his index fingers shoved in his ears. "I don't want to hear this!"

Out of nowhere, Kondo Isao rushed onto the scene, seizing the young captain's shoulders with tears running down his face most pathetically. "Sougo, tell me it isn't true. Tell me that you're not seeing the Yorozuya."

"Uh, I'm not seeing Danna?"

"You're lying!" the middle-aged man wailed. "How dare he deflower my Sougo!"

"...Kondo-san, you're overreacting." Sougo looked to the side, his eyes gleaming with something dark. After all, it was he who pretty much took advantage of a very drunken and horny Sakata Gintoki.

"I'm not overreacting! I'm going to kill that bastard! You're still only a child!"

Really, it was probably useless no matter what he said. He mentally shrugged. Did it really matter though? Probably not, if he was completely honest with himself. It wasn't as if these two were any match for Danna to begin with.


	6. Green's Not Your Color

**AN: **And here's the sixth installment. I actually spent some time proofreading this. Of course, that doesn't mean I've weaved out every mistake. Urgh... I'm tempted to find myself a beta reader. Oh, next one-shot has also been written. I really am on a "Super Sadist Pair" roll.  
**Pairing(s): **Gintoki x Sougo

**Green's Not Your Color  
**

"Gintoki! Come, you must pick up your blade and join me once more!" Katsura stood outside of the Yorozuya, shouting for the entire world to hear as he rapped noisily on the door. "For only you are worthy to be by my side!"

Okita Sougo who happened to be walking by on patrol (and for once not sleeping on the job) twitched. One, he recognized that voice very well. Two, when he looked up, he knew exactly why it was he recognized that voice so well. Three, he only heard the last line. A sudden and very foreign sense of possessiveness—or was that jealousy—coursed through his veins. He saw red. "Ka-tsu-ra!" Wasting no time in drawing his sword, he easily leapt up onto the small balcony intending on cleaving the terrorist in two.

The door slid open with a bang. The owner of the Yorozuya stood in all his lazy and carefree glory, and obviously irritated if the vein throbbing on his temple was any indication. "Would you all shut up?!" He blinked, cocking one eyebrow. Sougo had his arms raised above his head in a striking position while Katsura's fist was raised about to knock on the door again. "What are you two doing?"

The long-haired terrorist took hold of Gintoki's shoulders with a surprisingly strong grip, completely ignoring the police officer. If the notoriously violent captain wasn't blowing him up as of yet, that meant he still had a few moments before he would make his quick escape. "Please Gintoki, join me once again."

The sword switched targets, the very sharp edge a mere millimeter away from skin. "Danna," Sougo said with a charming smile, yet his voice chilled the air around them. "What is the meaning of this?"

Gintoki nonchalantly pushed the sword away from his throat then effortlessly lifted the hands off his shoulders. "Put that away, will you? Sheesh. Don't go blowing things up here, alright? Or you're paying for property damage, you damn idiots. And Zura, go awaaaay." He made shooing motions with his hands.  
"I'm not joining you. When are you going to give it up?"

The "It's not Zura; it's Katsura" was ignored by the duo.

"And you," he turned to the Shinsengumi officer. "Stop jumping to conclusions, mattaku." He rotated one shoulder in irritation and cracked his neck. "I had no idea you were the jealous type," he grumbled before tugging the younger man towards him and looping an arm casually around his shoulders. The First Squad Captain relaxed somewhat. Still, he kept his eyes on the Jouishishi member.

Meanwhile, Katsura had put one and one together and surprisingly got two unlike the many times when he seemed to get three squared. "Gintoki! How dare you betray me! Y-you're seeing _him_!?"

"Ha? Is something wrong with that?"

"Were we not once comrades fighting for the same cause?!"

A deadpanned stare. What did that have to do with who he was seeing?

The long-haired man ran off with tears streaming down his face all the while bemoaning the 'betrayal'.

"Why the fuck is everyone so damn dramatic?"


	7. Tomatoes Do Not Equal to Ketchup

Apparently, **Midori-chan1000** and I are on the same wavelength because we thought of something similar for this one-shot. So thanks a bunch Midori-chan1000! You're awesome. And thank you to those who actually take the time to review. You've no idea how happy that makes me.

And my god, titles are hard to come up with! *groan* So from now on, the titles are gonna be really weird cuz I can't think of anything! So for the most part, ignore them and just enjoy the stories. Hahaha.

**Warning(s): **Tomatoes. Rating is also going up, just in case.

**Tomatoes Do Not Equal to Ketchup. You Need Onions Too!**

"Damn you! You sadistic bastard!" Kagura all but screamed as she charged at the other teen, more than ready to strangle him with her bare hands. She had had enough! Ever since her precious Gin-chan and the damn Super Sadist got together, she saw him almost every damn fucking day. And every damn fucking day, he'd come up with something new to get on her nerves. But for Gin-chan, she had decided to ignore him for the most part, but she couldn't take it anymore. That was the last straw.

"It was just a tomato, geez, you crazy monster chick," he replied casually as he dodged strike after strike at inhuman speeds.

"Asshole, I hate tomatoes!"

He shrugged as he ducked beneath another blow aimed at his throat. "How was I supposed to know?"

"I asked for ketchup!"

"Same thing," he blocked another blow and delivered one of his own which the Yato clanswoman flipped over with relative ease and launched a kick at his head.

"Ketchup doesn't equal tomato you dumbass!"

Somehow, Sougo managed to shrug while dodging one life-threatening blow after another.

"You need onions too," she ground out, throwing a fist at where his spleen would have been if not for his lightning fast reflexes. "Didn't you ever read the ingredient labels?!"

Maybe it was because of luck, but another quick swipe of her hand had managed to make a small cut beneath the sadist's eye. "You bitch," he said, touching his cheek and rubbing the drop of blood between his fingers. He unsheathed his sword.

"Bring it on! Gin-chan's not around to save your pathetic ass."

"Ahem, Gin-chan happens to be standing right behind the two of you. Now if you've had enough of wrecking the house, put everything back together."

She swiftly turned to face the silver-haired samurai and pointed an accusing finger at the other teen. "But Gin-chan! He smashed a tomato over my eggs!"

He slapped a hand over his face in exasperation and sighed deeply. "I don't care. Just fix the damn place." He looked over at where Shinpachi sat calmly on the couch drinking a mug of green tea. "And you, you didn't bother stopping the two from wrecking the house?"

"Gin-san, that's impossible. Once they start fighting I'm not strong enough to step in unless I want to be killed."

Gintoki shifted slightly and sighed again. "True."

"I'm glad you agree. Anyway, would you like a cup of tea Gin-san?"

"No. I would like this mess to be gone."

Shinpachi shrugged and went right back to his tea.

Three hours later, after another fight broke out between the two violent teens over which couch a cushion belonged on, the house was righted again for the fifteenth time that week.

Gintoki inspected the place with a critical eye before nodding in satisfaction. "Good job."

"Gin-chaaan, I'm hungry."

"Eat your sukonbu."

"Gin-chan," she whined.

"Before that, come here you idiot." He waved her over and she happily complied. "Getting all scraped up," he grumbled slightly annoyed. He pulled out a first aid kit and proceeded to patch up the China girl.

Okita Sougo who sat on one of the blue couches watched the scene with growing irritation, his expression spiteful as he glared death at the China girl. Completely irrational jealousy coursed through him making his blood boil. His eyebrows drew closer and closer together as the minutes ticked by. He was so lost in his dark mood, that only by the fifth call did he snap out of it.

"Oi, Sougo! Oiiii can you hear me?"

He looked up. "Ah?"

"Come here, you idiot. Why are you spacing out?" Gintoki still had the first aid kit laid on his desk.

Sougo walked over, slightly dazed. He was still halfway lost in his fit of jealousy.

"What's with that blank look, you dope?" He tugged the teen onto his lap and proceeded to disinfect and bandage the small cut on his cheek. "Did you let your guard down today or something? She actually got a hit in?"

Sougo shrugged, eyes glancing away from the man tending to his wound. He flinched when rubbing alcohol was applied to his face.

"Why do you keep on picking fights with Kagura? You two have wrecked the place over a dozen times this week."

Instead of answering, he shifted and turned to face the samurai fully. "Danna?" he said, crimson eyes peering up into red ones.

"Hm?"

"You're mine," he stated bluntly, his voice tainted with a sharp posessive tone before looping his arms around the taller man's neck and forcefully pulling him down for a deep kiss, hands wandering beneath the thin layers of clothing, shoving at the material separating him from much wanted skin to skin contact.

Gintoki pulled away gasping, hands attempting to still the roaming and groping ones wandering across his body, but failing. "Stop, stop. Not now." Not that he wasn't all in favor of taking part in some very lewd and perverse actions with the extremely delectable man sitting on his lap, but they were sitting in the living room with two witnesses!

"No." He dipped his head and his lips latched onto the older man's throat.

"Ng…Sougo. The others, the others" he reminded breathlessly.

The sadist lifted his head and tilted it to the side. "What others?"

… The other two occupants of the room had suddenly disappeared.

Gintoki blinked. "Where'd they go?"

"Do you think they really want to stick around while we fuck like bunnies, danna?" Sougo deadpanned, his hands extremely busy as he worked on undoing the belt and zipper on the black pants his Danna was wearing.

"What did I get myself into?" Gintoki wondered aloud, squirming slightly as Sougo slipped a hand under the waistband of his boxers. Giving into his urges, he quickly and efficiently undid the many buttons on the Shinsengumi jacket, shoving it off the teen roughly. Why did the damn thing have so many buttons anyway? Thankfully, he had had enough practice in the last month to get it off of the teen in record time.

"Something you're not getting out of," Sougo replied easily, fisting his Danna. His eyes glowed with something dark and more than enough lust to swallow someone whole, never breaking the gaze he held with the other man.

Gintoki tugged the teen's busy hands off of him and stood, although slightly unsteady. "Bedroom," he groaned, lifting the younger man into his arms. "You're in for a long sleepless night."

"Exactly what I was hoping for Danna," he purred against the heated skin of his Danna's throat.


	8. It's a Kind of 'Play'

**AN:** Something I thought of while I was typing up one of the many one-shots. I wondered why it was that I can't seem to make Sougo say Gintoki's name. Every time I wrote 'Gintoki' or even 'Gin', I'd get the willies and immediately change it back to 'Danna'. Can any of _you_ imagine him calling Gintoki anything but Danna? I can't. So here's why it is that he only calls our beloved Gin-chan by 'Danna'.

**It's a Kind of 'Play'**

"I've been wondering for a while, Sougo" Kondo Isao started hesitantly, "but why don't you ever call the Yorozuya by his name? You've been," here he cleared his throat uncomfortably still not used to his Sougo dating anyone particularly Sakata, "dating for a few months already."

The teenager shrugged, eyes trained on the television watching the latest rerun of the most talked about soap opera at the time. It was always amusing when the characters got amnesia. It only happened in like every other soap opera. "Does it really matter?"

"No, but I'm just curious."

Sougo's lips quirked, forming a small mischievous smirk. "It sounds kinkier in bed."

Kondo spluttered. "W-what?!"

"It does. It makes for some great role-playing. You wouldn't believe how many scenarios—"

"…"

"Kondo-san?"

Sougo forcefully tore his eyes away from the television and glanced at his commander. Although Kondo was still sitting up, his eyes had rolled back. He had fainted.

"Ara, too much information maybe?" Sougo shrugged again. His eyes returned to the television just in time for the third wheel to come on screen and claim eternal love for the memory-less leading male and attempt to steer him away from his wife whom he had three children with.

**AN:** I'm in the middle of writing an epic AU one-shot. Well, epic for me anyways. Be prepared for a longer than normal one shot that I might or might not include in this compilation. It's very tempting to turn it into a multi-chaptered fic, but I won't cuz I know how terrible I am with updating those. Dunno when it'll make it to you guys though. In the meantime, I'll continue writing little drabbles and one-shots to tide you all over. But even if I don't update in a few days, it should be fine right? ^^; You must be tired of all these Super Sadist Pair one shots since I'm spitting so many out.

**P.S.** Anyone know of Super Sadist Pair fics other than my own? I wanna read some! I can't find any! Unless I'm looking in the wrong places…?


	9. Time Flies Only When it wants to

**AN:** Kinda funny that after writing almost ten one-shots how I'm still not out of ideas. But I bet right after this, like some curse, I'll run out of ideas. Amazing how this works.

**Pairing: **Gintoki x Sougo  
**Warnings: **A sad fic again. Sort of. Maybe? Well, not quite.

**Time Flies Only When it wants to**

A year.

Already, it has been a year. Time flies, they say. And Okita Sougo agreed. It flew by too quickly sometimes.

"Hey Aneue. It's Sougo. I've come to visit." Crimson eyes darkened as they swept across the name engraved in the stone tablet. He knelt in front of the tombstone, the morning dew seeping through the fabric of his pants. "It's been a year, huh?" he continued even as his eyes darkened further, emotions swimming rampant and threatening to surface in the form of tears.

He blinked once, then twice, willing the wetness away. After a moment, deeming it safe to speak without his voice cracking, he continued with the one-sided conversation. "I've been doing alright, Aneue so you don't need to worry. I'm eating well, I sleep more than enough, no one's brave enough to bully me, and I even have someone I can call my own now." He chuckled dryly. "Who would have thought huh?"

He smiled sardonically. He placed his hand on the stone tablet, fingers tracing the name engraved on it. "Remember the silver-haired guy I introduced you as my best friend? Well, he's who I'm talking about. Then again Aneue, you probably knew already right? Ever since you met him. You were always perceptive."

Running out of things to say, he simply knelt there in silence staring at but not seeing the tablet anymore. A stray breeze ruffled his light brown hair and chilled the air, but he didn't notice—lost in memories as he was.

A heavy hand on his shoulder had him almost leaping out of his skin. His head whipped around involuntarily. His wine-colored eyes widened. "Danna…"

Gintoki smiled gently, eyes on the gray tablet. "Heya Sougo's sister. I came to see you."

Sougo lifted his hand to the one on his shoulder and squeezed. "Danna…" he repeated, "you came." He didn't think the other man would remember.

Gintoki dropped onto the ground besides his younger lover, sitting with his legs crossed. "Of course I came, silly." He tugged the teen towards him, enveloping him in an awkward loose embrace. "Yo Sougo's sister. Remember me? The kid's doing good," he said to the deceased woman. "He's causing trouble like usual—destroying my house at least twice a week, sleeps on the job, and is a pain in everyone's neck."

"Danna!" Sougo protested. He punched the man in the side roughly causing Gintoki to laugh.

"Hey it's true," he said, cocking a single brow as if asking the man to deny it.

"Aneue doesn't need to know that!"

Gintoki tightened his arms around the young captain. "And I hope I'm making him happy even being the lazy good for nothing guy I am. Of course I have no idea why he chose me, but hey I'm not complaining. You've got one _fine_ brother." He winked conspiratorially at the tombstone.

"_Danna!_" Sougo interjected, absolutely mortified now. Even his cheeks were reddening. Those were things no one should be saying in front of his sweet sister.

"Oh quiet, stupid. Your sister won't mind," Gintoki rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Right, Sougo's sister?" He grinned at the tombstone.

"Ignore what this idiot is saying, Aneue—"

"Hey, everything I said is true."

"—because this guy's head is empty."

Gintoki shook his head laughing lightly. "See the mean things he says? That's your brother." When Sougo looked like he was going to protest, he gave the man a chaste kiss in hopes of shutting him up at least temporarily. It worked. "But I wouldn't have him any other way. You wouldn't either right?" he went on to say.

Sougo shook his head exasperated, but smiled all the same. He was amazed at himself and at the man beside him. To think he would be able to smile on this day. "Although this guy's head is empty and all he does is laze around, I'm actually happy, Aneue. There must be something wrong with me."

Gintoki looked away, shoulders shaking with mirth. "So cruel," he managed to say in between laughs.

Silence descended once again as the pair got back onto their feet, brushing their pants off.

"I'll see you again next year Aneue." He laid a hand on the tablet. "I forgot to bring you a gift this time, but next time I'll get you some spicy rice crackers."

"Ah, about that." Gintoki reached into his haori groping around in search of something. "Aha," he announced proudly and produced a bag of spicy rice crackers. He laid it gently at the base of the grave. "Here you go. Happy snacking."

Sougo blinked, staring at the snack in dumbfounded surprise. He really should've expected it. Sakata Gintoki was …strange after all. "Guess you get a gift after all, Aneue."

The two, after another moment of peaceful silence, turned in unison and left the cemetery.

_'We'll see you again next year, Aneue. Please watch over us from wherever you are.'_


	10. Say My Name and Kick Some Buckets

**AN: **I'm quite surprised I don't have the next one-shot written yet. But maybe not as much as I should be because I've been busy with the epically long one shot I mentioned the other day. It's now at ten pages. I'm not even halfway done. Hell, I don't think I'm even 1/5th done. My freaking god… Maybe I should turn it into a multi-chapter fic? But then it wouldn't seem as epic anymore. ^^; Remember I told some of you it might be 20 pages? Screw that. It'll probably be 50! Yeah, like, total miscalculation on my part.

Because I've written ten pages though, I can _sort of_ tell you what it'll be about—sort of because I haven't ironed out all the details yet and it's still the introduction (kinda turning into a novel). I'm bullshitting my way through it like usual, and it's turning out some pretty weird shit. There's like magic and shit… and people dying, and super super sadist Sougo. Even I felt bad for the person he was literally kicking around.

Anyways, on to the next one shot. I present to you…

**Say My Name and Kick Some Buckets**

Sougo half turned in order to face his older lover. Wine-colored eyes studied the man intently. Eventually, Gintoki had to cock an eyebrow when a full minute passed and the other man didn't say a word and only continued to stare at him. He looked up from the latest issue of Jump. "What?" he finally asked.

The teen opened his mouth and closed it with a click before opening it again mere seconds later and said quite casually, "Gintoki."

**Stunned Silence.**

The teenager shuddered in revulsion immediately after the name left his lips. The name was so foreign on his tongue it was almost nauseating; he felt like throwing up his breakfast. And although it shouldn't feel wrong, it did. Was it supposed to feel so odd calling your lover by his name? It really shouldn't right? He mentally tested a few other alternatives. Sakata? No, that wasn't as strange but it felt like they were worlds apart. Gin-san? His nose scrunched automatically. That was just, no, just no.

The natural perm blinked in bewilderment, speechless. After a long moment, he regained his ability to speak. "Woah, you just said my name." The man paused, rubbing his chin in contemplation, lips twisting into a frown, before drawing the conclusion that, "it sounds really wrong. I can't connect you to my name."

"And I'm never saying it again," Sougo replied immediately and shuddered again.

"Is there a scenario you can think of in which you can say my name naturally?" Gintoki asked the other man, pondering the question himself.

Sougo tilted his head in thought, brows knit together as he thought harder. Maybe if he tried to play out different scenarios in his mind?

**Scenario 1: Danna Kicks the Bucket**

_He watched in horror as his lover fell, as if in slow motion, blood streaking the air in a wide arc of crimson splatters._

_"Danna!" he choked out a scream. He raced over to the still man lying on the pavement almost tripping over himself in his haste. "Danna!" he called desperately once again._

_He dropped to his knees and lifted the man's upper body in his arms, blood staining his hands and pooling beneath them. "Gin__—__Danna!"_

He mentally burst out laughing. Okay, that didn't work.

**Scenario 2: Wedding Vows**

_"I take you, Sakata Gin**** as my__—_

_Screeching halt._

…He had automatically bleeped out half of the man's first name. Weird.

….

"No, I can't think of one," Sougo replied after a long stretch of silence.

"Me neither," the other man said almost automatically.

After another long stretch of silence, the lovers exchanged an amused smirk and said in unison, "We are one strange couple."


	11. Colors

**AN:** It's something new! Yay! I know most of you prefer the funnies, but I'm out of funnies for now. xD I was analyzing human behavior and how we seem to attach sentimental value to objects or whatever. And I ended up landing on colors. It's amazing how we seem to favor one color over another, influenced by past experiences, specific preferences or our personality.

And then…this came to be.

**Warning:** Lack of humor. Angst-ish

**Colors**

_What's your favorite color,Gin-chan?_

It was an innocent question. It wasn't a question anyone would think twice about asking. And the same could be said for replying. It was just an ordinary question that anyone had probably asked once or twice and had just as likely answered once or twice.

Gintoki blinked slowly, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling as he thought over the question. Favorite color? Did he have one? No. He didn't think so at least. What did favoring a particular color matter anyway? What really mattered was they beautified his world. It would be hell boring if everything was black and white, right? After a long moment, he replied uncharacteristically softly, "Red." It was the first one he thought of and the one that stood out in the rainbow that was the visible spectrum of light.

It was the color he hated the most, but remembered the most. It was the color of his own lifeless (dead fish) eyes, the color of the blood his comrades had shed, painting the ground in splatters, streaks and puddles. It was the color of the blood he had drawn from so many, streaking his silver locks crimson as the spray of blood, like fine mist, settled on and around him. It was the color that brought back so many memories—bittersweet and painful with specks happiness dotting the sea of crimson—but more often than not, the red was so overpowering, it was numbing. What the hell was he doing remembering? Right, favorite color.

Shinpachi and Kagura exchanged looks, helpless shrugs and shakes of heads. Their leader was rarely ever in these kinds of moods, but when he was they knew better than to intrude on his thoughts. It wasn't something they'd ever understand even if they asked, so they quietly left throwing worrying glances over their shoulders as they did so.

It was this somber samurai that Sougo found hours later. He had come by to kill some time—something he was doing more and more often as his encounters with the silver-haired samurai had become more and more frequent during work and off. It had come to the point where if several days went by and he had not seen the other man, it felt odd. Somehow, the lazy leader of the Yorozuya always ended up in some sticky situation, and somehow the Shinsengumi would be involved in said sticky situation as well. How the lazy samurai managed to get into so much trouble while being so extremely lazy, unmotivated, and socially inept was something Sougo had a feeling he would never quite grasp. And it was definitely kind of strange how the man had never been arrested by them before with how frequent they came across each other—sometimes as enemies and sometimes as comrades.

Stepping over a fallen issue of Jump, Sougo stalked closer to the older man who didn't so much as twitch, observing every line and angle of his face and noticing the hardness in his empty gaze that was obviously not seeing. It was a look that the young captain had rarely ever witnessed and on the off chance that he did, the look was gone in a blink of the eye. He wondered what brought this on. As curious as he was, he didn't break the silence. Instead, he plopped down on one of the couches, still watching the other man intently. Minutes rolled by and the other man didn't move at all, eyes still staring unseeingly up ahead.

"What's your favorite color?" The question rebounded off the walls in the abnormally quiet room. The atmosphere which was only quiet and slightly oppressive had somehow become uncomfortably tense and awkward.

From his place at the couch, Sougo straightened unconsciously but displayed no outward sign of discomfort despite the fact that he had been more than startled by the sudden and decidedly strange question. He blinked twice; he almost fallen asleep watching the other man. For a brief moment, he wondered when the older man had noticed his presence but cast the thought quickly aside. It was likely he had known the moment he stepped inside the room.

"Saa," Sougo breathed out softly. He kept his eyes on Gintoki, watching for any movement. "Red maybe," he said dispassionately. Honestly, he never really thought about it, but if he had to choose then it would be red.

A hint of a smile formed on the Natural Perm's lips. "Really?" he questioned in reply, though it was obviously not a question but more of a statement.

The teenager lifted his eyes off the other man, now staring at the hardwood floor between his sock-clad feet. "Yeah, red's a good color," he confirmed in answer anyway. It was the color that made him feel most alive. It reminded him of the battlefield where all that mattered was cutting down your enemies one by one and staying alive, of his blood-stained hands that helped pave the road towards justice, of the adrenaline rush as he overpowered one opponent after another, of the determined eyes that stared straight back at him every time he looked in a mirror. His eyes wandered over to the silver-haired samurai again. And red reminded him of the other man sitting in the room, someone who he had come to deeply respect despite his oddities.

"Mine too," Gintoki replied softly, hiding his red orbs beneath silver-lashed lids.

Sougo chuckled, a small amused smile playing on his lips. His previous thoughts had all but melted and drifted towards the dark corners of his mind. "We have so much in common, Danna."

Gintoki replied with a chuckle of his own. "Don't we," he deadpanned.

And the pair lapsed into silence again, only this time it was a relaxed and comfortable silence—one shared by comrades or dare I say friends. They had reached a deeper level of understanding—of what? They weren't sure, but they knew it was something significant.


	12. Sick

After a very long time, here's another one-shot for this lovely compilation! This takes place in my other Gintoki x Sougo fanfic, **17****th**** Precinct**'s universe.

**Sick**

Sougo wondered how and why it had ended up like this, with him standing at the doorstep to his superior's house. He shot a glare at the doorbell and then another one at the bag in his hand. His sister had insisted, and being the obedient younger brother that he was, he was now here to deliver lunch to his sick boss.

Wiping his suddenly clammy hand against his clothed thigh, he slowly raised a finger to the doorbell. Hesitating before he could actually push the button, he pulled back for probably the fifth time. Fighting the urge to fidget some more and to perhaps wipe down his hand again, he screwed his eyes shut and pushed the button—probably with more force than was necessary.

His brows drew closer and closer together as the seconds ticked by, fighting the urge to simply turn on his heel and flee the scene much like many suspects he'd had to chase down on the clock.

He was snapped out of his nervous rambling thoughts when a crash resounded from the other side of the door followed by a string of loud if not slightly slurred curses. The door was wrenched open soon after to reveal the flushed face of the chief. He really did not look too well.

"Uh, hey boss. My sister asked me to drop by with some food when I let slip you were sick," he drawled in his usual deadpan tone. It wouldn't do for his superior to know how nervous he actually was just standing there.

Red eyes blinked blearily at Sougo's face, squinting against the harsh sunlight beating down on them. He was probably slightly hazy with the fever. "Ah, Okita," he said sluggishly after another moment of squinting, stepped back into the shade of his house and let the younger man in.

Okita blinked, eyes adjusting to the dim room. He took his time taking in his surroundings. A shelf by the front door displayed a collection of photos of co-workers and friends—many of whom Sougo recognized. The living room was nothing out of the ordinary. There was a deep blue couch with some mismatched cushions, a worn coffee table that had a few knick knacks strewn about it. A stray magazine could be found here and there on the carpeted floor, and a plasma TV took up most of the wall. There was a bookcase on the far left corner of the room by two large windows overlooking the front lawn.

As he followed a swaying Gintoki to the kitchen, he could see the kitchen was pretty well-stocked, and the place itself was fairly clean for a guy living on his own. He placed the bag on the counter, careful to not knock anything off.

"Tell your sister I said thanks," the silver-haired man said. His voice was scratchy from a sore throat. Not wishing to remain standing any longer, he dragged a chair out from the corner of his kitchen where the dining table was and plopped into the chair. He hated the flu. Of all times to get sick, it had to be in the middle of fucking summer.

"Okay. I'll just heat some of this soup up and make a few simple things, and then I'll go." And he went about discovering his way around the foreign kitchen. Making a few simple dishes and reheating a bowl of soup wouldn't take long. Though he didn't often cook as that was his sister's specialty, it didn't mean he was a dunce in the kitchen. He cooked fairly well, and thanks to his sister, knew all the basic culinary skills. If anything, his sister had made sure he wouldn't starve.

"Mhm," Gintoki murmured sleepily in response, laying his head against his folded arms. He watched the younger man cook through teary and sleepy eyes. It wasn't long before he was dead to the world, lulled into the world of dreams by the sounds of a meal being prepared. The rhythmic chopping of a knife against a cutting board, the stirring of the pot, and the occasional clang of a lid was surprisingly comforting to a man who lived alone. Minus the weekly visit by Shinpachi who had taken it upon himself to make sure the kitchen was stocked with food as Gintoki never had time to go grocery shopping, no one else really stepped foot into his kitchen.

It wasn't long into his cooking that he noticed the chief had fallen asleep. Cooking while trying not to stare too hard was a difficult task but he managed without burning down the kitchen or overcooking the rice. By the time he had everything laid out and covered, he was fighting hard not to jump the unconscious man. Who knows what would happen to his career if he did!

"It's wrong to molest sick people while they sleep" ran through his head like a mantra before he eventually hightailed out of there.

When Gintoki awoke to the world of the living again, he found himself once again alone in the house with the lingering smells of a cooked meal. Sitting up, he glanced at his shoulder and found one of his spare blankets wrapped around him. Set before him was a bowl of soup, a plate of something that looked like vegetables and meat chopped finely and another smaller bowl of rice. Sougo had covered it all in saran wrap. From the looks of it, everything was still warm.

A post-it that the young man had probably torn off the coffee table's stock was stuck to the table, and it read "Get better soon boss. It's no fun pissing off Hijikata without an accomplice" in neat script. Gintoki had to admit it was never a pain to read through the man's reports unlike his partner's messy scrawls.

Taking his time in uncovering the food, he began eating. It really wasn't bad at all. The chicken soup was absolutely delicious, and although the dish Sougo put together couldn't compete with his sister's, it was still fairly good. The young man had even taken care to cut everything finely so it would be easier to swallow.

Well, it looked like he owed his subordinate a date now. It was only right to return what you owed. A meal for a meal sounded good.

Four days later, Sougo nearly jumped in surprise when his phone vibrated on his desk and an unfamiliar tone pierced through the silence of the office. He didn't remember changing his ringtone. Confused, he picked his phone up and glanced at the display. Oh, a text message. No wonder he didn't recognize the sound. He rarely ever received texts. His sister, the only person who ever really bothered to contact him, always called instead; she hated how impersonal text messages were. Wondering who it was, he flipped his phone open and stared in minor shock at the message written there.

"From: Gintoki Sakata

Meet me at parking lot afta work. It's a date. ;)

_All the sweets belong 2 Me!_"

The signature was so like his chief that the wheat-haired man couldn't help the chuckle that escaped his lips. A flash of silver had his eyes automatically looking up only to catch a wink the silver-haired man threw his way. Mortified and for some reason feeling extremely shy, he focused back on his paperwork. A date, huh. He could get used to those, he supposed. He'd only been crushing on his boss ever since he transferred.


	13. Sugarcoated

**Sugarcoated**

A pair of soft lips descended upon sugarcoated ones. A pink tongue darted out and swiped languidly against them, picking up the sweet residue. A smirk graced those lips as they moved back a short distance.

"You had ice cream on your lips, Danna," he whispered against soft lips.

A snort. "Is that so?" the other man deadpanned. A satisfied smirk graced the previously sugarcoated lips. "Now you have some on yours."

"Really."


	14. The Little Things

**AN:** I'm not quite sure where this came from. I was…I was watching something that definitely wasn't Gintama. In fact, it was Prince of Tennis. I opened up MS Word with the intention of writing Prince of Tennis, and somehow Gintama happened. What the hell? _And_ it turned out to be sap and fluffy. And it's like the most drabble-like thing I've written—ever!

Rated T for one cuss word!

**The Little Things**

In a relationship like theirs, the big things mattered little. It was all about the little things. Because of who they were and who they are, being discrete sometimes was important.

A 'forgotten' receipt tucked away in pockets with ridiculous little notes scribbled on the back that made little sense.

There was a sword maintenance kit stashed away underneath the Yorozuya desk.

And no one in Shinsengumi wondered why there was suddenly a mini fridge in the captain's room. Especially not after someone checked the contents—and paid in full for his snooping—and found frozen sweets in the freezer compartment.

There were no official dates and no romancing. There definitely weren't any sweet words exchanged under a tree while sitting on a park bench.

Nope. Instead there were impromptu training sessions and run-ins during Shinsengumi work hours where a silver-haired man would trade barbs with a young captain.

Then there were the smirks and half smiles tossed at one another when no one was looking; the overt glances that spoke a million words.

And let's admit it. Those mean a lot more than a stupid fucking date.


End file.
